


Why Mornings Are Evil

by iceblitz (Tzi)



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Humor, Mild Language, Satire, and bad, wow this thing is old
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2005-07-31
Updated: 2005-09-29
Packaged: 2017-11-05 09:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/405120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tzi/pseuds/iceblitz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A really, really, <i>really</i> old fic poking some fun at the Saiyuki anime, with mixed results.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which Gojyo wishes that he hadn't got out of bed, and a newly begun fanfic author tries to actually start writing the story, instead of thinking up more stupid chapter titles

**Author's Note:**

> Slowly crossposting the handful of stuff from my ffnet account for archival purposes. This was the first fic I ever wrote and oh god, _it shows._ Feel free to hit that backbutton now, I won't mind, I promise. 
> 
> Bad Fic Warnings: Rampant use of Japanese terms and honorifics abound where English would work just fine, the author being unable to resist from breaking the fourth wall and referring to herself as "the author" and just not being as clever as she thinks she is, etc etc etc. Probably tons more but that would require me actually reading it thoroughly instead of just skimming and copy-pasting, and then it would _never_ go up.

In which an annoyed fangirl of the non-rabid variety (one thinks) gets an idea, tries to put it on paper, gets annoyed even more when she is interrupted so much she doesn't even get the first word down, and finally, 3 days later, gets maybe half an hour to write, and the first thing that comes out is this extremely odd, long title, of the hopefully amusing variety, and then promptly gets writers' block

Also known as

In which Gojyo wishes that he hadn't got out of bed, and a newly begun fanfic author tries to actually start writing the  _story,_ instead of thinking up more stupid chapter titles

… on with the plot already!

It was a quiet, peaceful morning. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and for once,  _everyone_ was sleeping peacefully. No angst-ridden nightmares, no sleep-deprivation caused by yet  _more_ angsting. Not even any dreams about a Giant Ravenous Meat Bun yelling, "You shall pay for the massacre of my subjects!" leaving aside the question of whether a certain golden-eyed someone would feel enough remorse for his gorging on meat buns to have a  _nightmare_ about it, the point is that it was  _peaceful._ But, unfortunately for the Saiyuki Boys, peacefulness doesn't like hanging around them so much. (Especially with the overabundance of fanfic authors hanging around)

And so, the peace was abruptly shattered by a horrified yell.

Now, since horrified yells are usually NOT what one wakes up to immediately in the morning, Sanzo and Hakkai both scrambled out of their beds, and started heading for the source of the disruption. Goku, being the heavy sleeper that he is, blearily opened his eyes and asked in a confused, sleep-befuddled voice, "Wha… is it time for breakfast already?" and then promptly rolled over and went back to sleep.

Upon seeing this display of sloth, Sanzo took the time to make a slight detour, and roused the 500-year-old boy with many fan smacks, and shouts of, "Bakasaru!" and, "Get out of bed and make yourself useful!" After which, they both headed towards the source of the yell, Goku grumbling the whole way.

Which was not very far. A total of maybe 30 feet in fact. The noise seemed to have come from the public washroom at the end of the hall. Now since the Sanzo-ikkou usually like to know the  _reason_ behind horrified yells, (due to all of those pesky assassination attempts, you understand) they started hammering on the door, yelling out, asking what happened. It should now be noted that Gojyo is distinctly  _lacking_ from the small crowd in front of the washroom door.

 

_HOW the HELL…? Shit. There is NO FUCKING WAY in HELL that I'm going out there right now._

Gojyo was officially freaked out. And confused. And pissed off. And wondering if somebody out there was having a Good 'Ole Time laughing at his expense. But more embarrassed by the thought of being seen in his present state than anything else. Basically all he knew was that there was NO WAY he was gonna let anyone see him right now. He could hear the others knocking on the door, asking  _what the hell just happened in there?_  But if he had his way, they wouldn't find out.

_Fucking hell. Who am I KIDDING? This isn't exactly very easy to hide! And if I try to hide it, it will just stand out even MORE! Fuck. Stupid devil and the deep blue sea. Stupid over-used metaphor._

Trying to stave off the inevitable for just a few moments more, Gojyo yelled back through the door, " Ah… Uh… It's nothing! I just cut myself shaving, is all!"

He was answered by disbelieving silence.

_Oh that's just GREAT Gojyo, REAL great excuse. They believe that one all right._

In a few moments, he could hear quiet muttering behind the door, out of which Sanzo's voice was clearly the loudest, and getting louder by the moment.

_Oh fuck. Sanzo is annoyed. I better start mentally preparing to dodge the fan. Or the gun. Hey does this door have a lock? Aha YES! Few more seconds delay. Now to see if I can actually convince them that nothing is wrong._

"Ah, guys, really there's nothing wrong. Do you mind not hanging around in front of the door? Didn't anyone ever tell you that that's one of the worst forms of rude there is?"

This time, along with the disbelieving silence, there was shocked silence.

"OK that's it," growled Sanzo, "Something is not right when the kappa starts preaching etiquette. Open the damn door kappa!"

_Damn._

"I told you already, nothing's wrong!" Gojyo yelled back through the door. Unfortunately, he had not been able to keep his voice from cracking ever so slightly at the word 'wrong.'

At this, there was yet MORE disbelieving silence, which quickly grew into yet more muttering, growing louder and louder by the second.

_Shit. Shitshitshit. Did they notice that slip? With my luck this morning, of COURSE they did. Why can't they just go away? Damn. Is there anything in here I can use to barricade the door? 'Cause if I'm right, Sanzo's gonna lose patience and try-_

WHAM!

_To break the door down. And that lock doesn't look like it's of the highest quality._

A quick search of the bathroom turned up a notable  _lack_ of things usable as barricades. He couldn't even use the medicine cabinet, as the stupid thing was bolted to the wall. The only things that could be of any use whatsoever were some towels and washcloths.

"OK, let's see how well washcloths work as door stops." He muttered, and proceeded to roll them up. Once they were rolled to a reasonable compactness and thickness, he wedged them under the door. And then he leaned against the door for good measure, as Sanzo hadn't stopped trying to break the door down, and seemed to have been joined by at least one of the others, judging by how much the door was shaking.

"Ok guys, seriously," Gojyo yelled through the door, "this is getting ridiculous. If you bust the door, you'll have to pay for it you know! And it won't be for anything! You'll just be annoyed at getting worked up over nothing!" Again though, his voice betrayed him, this time by adding a rising note of panic and a definite tinge of desperation to his words.

"Gojyo," yelled what must have been Hakkai through the door, "why don't you just let us come in? If it's really nothing, there shouldn't be any problem, and it will put our minds at ease  _without_ the hassle of breaking the door down."

"Um… Ah…it's a matter of personal pride now! If you come in now, it means that you think I'm lying when I'm not! And I'm telling the  _truth_! Don't you believe me at all!"

"Nope," replied Hakkai, "not even a little bit." Gojyo could practically  _feel_ the other man's sunny smile through the door while he said that.

The door cracked. Gojyo just had time to think  _oh shit_ and make a grab for the towels before it shattered completely.

By the time Hakkai, Sanzo, and Goku had stepped into the small bathroom (with Goku uncharacteristically silent, as he still wasn't fully awake yet) Gojyo had managed to wrap one of the towels around his head. He snuck a quick glance at the mirror and thought,  _Riiiigghht, this doesn't look like I'm trying to hide something at all._

Sanzo, being the first to get over the odd appearance of Gojyo With a Towel Wrapped Around His Head, growled, "OK kappa, what the hell are you hiding underneath that towel?"

Gojyo, still trying to stave off the inevitable, managed to say with at least  _some_ of his former cool, "I'm not hiding anything! I already told you guys that nothing is wrong, and if nothing is wrong then why would I be hiding anything?" and he shot them a glare for good measure. Unfortunately, the glare was no match for Sanzo's Annoyed Death Glare.

Goku, though still sleepy, was coming more awake with all of the interesting things going on around him. Namely, Gojyo With a Towel Wrapped Around His Head. And, he was now sufficiently awake to be curious enough to wonder why the hell Gojyo Had a Towel Wrapped Around His Head. So, sidling up behind the distracted Gojyo, who was now trying to convince both Sanzo  _and_ Hakkai that nothing was wrong, he pulled at the towel.

Gojyo felt the tug, and cursed, trying to catch the towel before it came off. But to no use. The towel came off, everybody saw.

Goku was the first to get his voice back, "What the hell Gojyo! When the HELL did your hair turn bright purple?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... we all have to start somewhere, okay.


	2. In which Jiroushin goes searching, finds some things he wasn't looking for, and gets a remarkably pleasant surprise

In which a fanfic author tries to pass the time while camping by doing something productive (to her), and teases all those people who are wondering about Gojyo's predicament by switching POVs. And then runs out of time if the fanfic author wants to keep to her updating schedule, so shortens the chapter by leaving it in the one POV

Also known as

In which Jiroushin goes searching, finds some things he _wasn't_ looking for, and gets a remarkably pleasant surprise

It was a peaceful morning in Heaven. But then again, it always was. Running on 500 years now. (If one's calculations are correct, and assuming there wasn't years of inner turmoil after those four left) The sun was shining, birds were singing, those still sleeping were having peaceful dreams, and those awake were going about their peaceful lives. (This starting to sound familiar?) Except possibly for Nataku. But since no one can say for sure if Nataku is awake, sleeping, or thinking at all, we'll just say that it was peaceful with no exceptions. So. Heaven. Peaceful. Same 'ole, same 'ole. Poster child for boredom and apathy. You can't get much more peaceful than that. But since this little branch of the story would go nowhere if it _stayed_ peaceful (which would be bad as the fanfic author needs some things to happen before we can return to Gojyo's little predicament), right on cue comes our first disturbance.

_Where is se? Se isn't usually THIS difficult to find when there's paperwork that needs signing._

Jiroushin was annoyed. He was having NO luck whatsoever finding Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama, even less than usual when he needed her signature. Se seemed to have a deep-set dislike of all things paperwork, and made it difficult for anyone who wanted to bother hir with it. Especially for Jiroushin, since to hir mind he should _know_ better by now.

So as he was searching through the halls, he spied a dazed-looking bureaucrat-type slumped against a wall.

_This is odd, that man isn't just dazed, he looks like he's in shock, combined with… is that TERROR I see? I could have sworn that there was hardly anything left in Heaven to BE afraid of. Well, if you get on Tentei's bad side I guess._

Jiroushin was tempted to go over to the bureaucrat-type and ask the man what had frightened him so, but at last he decided not to. After all, he already had a task to perform, and besides, for all he knew, the man was an insectaphobe, and had been scared by a passing butterfly that had found it's way inside. (Hey it could happen)

So he continued on his search, if more reluctantly than before. To console his unsatisfied curiosity, he added this grievance to the quickly growing mental list he had of every confusing, misleading, outright mystifying thing Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama had ever said to him, and everything se did, intentionally or otherwise, that made his life more difficult. He had only started it this morning, when he had failed to find hir where se was supposed to be, but he kept remembering previous offences that merited a place on the list. The whole point of the list was to either fuel some distant revenge, or _be_ the revenge, he just wasn't quite sure how yet. Or just so that if he actually got One Free Hour in which Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama would answer anything Straight Out, he'd be ready.

Now because Jiroushin was busy reviewing his mental list, his mind didn't quite register the presence of the several scared/shocked people he passed in the hallway. They hadn't gone and slumped themselves against the wall like that one fellow, so weren't _quite_ as obvious, yet people NOT reviewing mental lists concerning various injustices could plainly see how shocked they all looked.

And Jiroushin finally noticed too, when he saw a sight he never thought he'd see.

_What the!… Is that… TENTEI?_

Yes it was Tentei. Acting with none of his usual pomp and splendor. Shaking like a leaf. Oh there had been times before when he could tell Tentei was scared, but he hid it with bluster and indignation. Or a sentencing or two. Or four. _Never_ had he _openly_ shown fear.

Being faced with this very unusual sight, Jiroushin's mind took the opportunity to finally register all the other shocked and scared people he had seen. And his curiosity was growing again. But not _too_ much, as he was starting to have some niggling suspicions that could explain what was going on.

To try and test how sound his suspicions were, he decided to follow the Route of Shocked People, and see where it led. And the further he went, the more his suspicions grew. He _knew_ where this route led, and if the Shocked People were at the next turn… Aha! There they were. He knew who was at the end of this route.

_What is se doing NOW? Somehow I have a feeling I'm going to have to add this to the List…_

And on that thought he broke into a run, virtually whipping around the last corner-

Where he stopped in shock. And stared. And stared some more, while somehow managing to suppress the delighted grin that kept trying to bubble up.

_Oh somebody must REALLY like me. No need for the List now. Even if I'm not the one who planned it and carried it out, revenge is SO sweet…_


	3. In which everyone's favourite Bodhisattva is annoyed by certain happenings, and is visited by a glowing ball of light with wings

In which a fanfic author tries to make up for the last chapter being so short and a cliffhanger besides, by either updating super-fast (for her), or making the chapter of a decent length this time (for her), and succeeds at both!

Also known as

In which everyone's favourite bodhisattva is annoyed by certain happenings, and is visited by a glowing ball of light with wings

-

Kanzeon Bosatsu was annoyed, to stay the least. _Someone_ seemed to be having some fun at hir expense, and se hadn't realized that there was anyone left in Heaven who had the capability, not to mention the balls, to do so. As a result of this more-than-annoyance, se had been trying out some of those glares that hir nephew Konz- no wait, Sanzo now, was so fond of on the people se passed in the hallway. The results were quite satisfying. No wonder Sanzo glared so much.

But now se was back in the pond room, and had no one left to glare at. And se didn't feel like making another circuit through the halls. So se tried glaring at the pond instead. It wasn't nearly as satisfying. Though it did look like those four weren't having the best of mornings either…

_That_ cheered hir up a bit. Though not enough to stop hir from glaring. And from planning much retribution for whoever had played this little… _prank_ …

While thinking thoughts that were almost _certainly_ on the list of 'Top Ten Things of What Good Bodhisattvas Should Under No Circumstances Think About,' se spied Jiroushin from the corner of hir eye, hovering at the entrance. Upon which hir thoughts quickly ranged from, _Oh good, some else to glare at_ , to, _If he cracks so much as the SLIGHTEST smile_ …

But we all know Jiroushin is not stupid. So the smile stayed suppressed. It helped to think that he now had to find a way to get Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama to sign the papers. In normal circumstances, he would just have to track hir down, and with much cajoling, and great reluctance on hir part for being bothered with Paperwork, the documents would be signed.

These were NOT normal circumstances. THESE circumstances could land him in a whole jeepload of trouble if he put a foot wrong.

Fortunately, Jiroushin was given a moment's reprieve, at the appearance of a glowing-ball-of-light-with-wings.

He blinked. The glowing-ball-of-light-with-wings was still there. Repeated blinking did not remedy the situation.

By this time, Kanzeon had noticed Jiroushin's odd behaviour, and looked over in the direction Jiroushin was blinking.

And stared. And grew steadily more annoyed at someone's very poor sense of humor.

Kanzeon spoke very slowly and steadily, in the tone of someone who is desperately trying to hold on to every scrap of dignity they possess and NOT lose their cool, "What the hell is a fanfiction author's emissary doing here, and WHY do you look suspiciously like Saria's fairy from Zelda?"

The glowing-ball-of-light-with-wings hovered uncertainly, before replying, "Well…umm…as to the Zelda thing… mleh. The fanfic author has no originality. Plus she likes fairies. And the colour green. And I'm only going to be here for maybe two to three more chapters, and she doesn't want to waste the effort to make something completely different. I don't even get a name."

The glowing-ball-of-light-that-was- _supposed_ -to-be-a-fairy paused, and floated back a few more feet, hopefully out of range of any retribution. "And as to why I'm here, it's a couple of reasons actually. One is to introduce me to the story line. Because I'm supposed to explain What The Hell Is Going On two chapters from now."

Kanzeon Bosatsu was clearly displeased with this answer. Se now had at least two veins popping, and one of hir eyebrows was twitching.

"May I ask _why_ two chapters from now?" Se hissed through clenched teeth.

Jiroushin blanched. And was glad none of this was directed at him. The winged-light-ball backed up another few feet, and somehow managed to look nervous, despite the setback of a noticeable lack of a visual body, and replied, "Well, um, two reasons actually. One is that she wants to keep the readers in suspense. The other is that she doesn't want to explain it three times."

Another popping vein had joined the other two on Kanzeon. The glowing-puff-with-wings hurriedly continued on, "Oh! I almost forgot to mention, I'm also here to make a delivery." And somehow managed to produce two small black books from nowhere.

Jiroushin's curiosity overcoming his fear at accidentally pissing off an already Pissed Off Kanzeon Bosatsu,walked over and picked up the little books.

"AUs But Not," he read, "Your guide to Universes Alternate. (The not quite Alternate Universes)"

"AUs But Not!" Kanzeon nearly shouted. Se was _definitely_ losing what was left of hir control. "What the hell is THAT!"

The not-so-original-fairy was starting to look a little annoyed. After all, it wasn't _its_ fault the fanfic author was having so much fun tormenting people. Of course, due to the fact that it was not-so-original, it had a great deal of the original's intelligence. So it replied as calmly as possible, "They're personalized guides to What The Hell Is Going On. That way everything only has to be explained once. Everyone gets one, but all are slightly different, tailored to fit each person. In yours should be an explanation of how to fix your little…" the winged-light gestured, "problem."

Kanzeon Bosatsu's face became noticeably less frightening at that last piece of information. The eyebrow twitch disappeared, and there was only one popping vein left.

Jiroushin, noticing this, grabbed what may have been his only chance to complete his mission that day. While Kanzeon was reaching over to take the book with hir name on it, he moved it slightly away and replaced it with the unsigned papers, while saying, "If I may take a moment of your time, Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama, these important documents require your signature if they are to be of any use to anybody." Somehow he managed to successfully blend diffidence, pleading, and iron hard will.

Apparently that was close enough to the right approach. Though hir face did darken again considerably, se took the offered pen and signed the papers, before nearly yanking hir copy of 'AUs But Not' away from him.

The unoriginal-winged-glowing-ball bobbed up and down uncertainly. Finally it said, "Well I guess that's everything. I'll be heading over to Kougaiji and the gang next."

It started to fade out, but came abruptly back, and asked, "Oh yeah, the fanfic author wanted to know if you were the one who was sending her the writer's block, and if so, how did you know what she was planning to do this chapter?"

Kanzeon Bosatsu glared at the ball-of-light-with-wings, hands possessively clutching the little book. Finally, se said grudgingly, "I had an automatic alert on to send writer's block to anyone who tried to write me into a fic like this." Se paused. "Incidentally, how _did_ she fight off that block?"

The winged-glow-ball didn't even need to think about it. "Hot chocolate, and the denial of access to the computer caused by thunderstorms. I should probably go now. It may be morning here, but it's _way_ past her normal sleeping time there, and the fanfic author wants to sleep soon. Bye now."

And with that, the not not-so-original-creation vanished. After a moment, Jiroushin came to himself with a start, realizing he still had the documents in his hands. So, with a last look at the spot the light-blob-with-wings had hovered, he left to deliver them. After making sure _his_ copy of 'AUs But Not' was safely secured behind his belt. After all, just because he didn't have a problem like Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama's didn't mean it couldn't be useful…

And Kanzeon Bosatsu, seeing that se now had a good chunk of time in which se wouldn't be disturbed, sat down in hir accustomed chair, and opened the little black book. And started looking for the explanation of how to make hir now opaque-and-much-more-form-fitting clothing, see-through-and-elegantly-draping again.


	4. In which everyone is more Confused as Hell than Annoyed As Hell, and the winged-glow-puff's appearance is put off till next chapter

In which a fanfic author manages to stick to her updating schedule, _still_ finish the book she was reading, and have the chapter a decent length, despite having to cut it off earlier than planned

Also known as

In which everyone is more Confused as Hell than Annoyed As Hell, and the winged-glow-puff's appearance is put off till next chapter

It was a peaceful morning in Houtou Castle. The sun was shining, birds were sing- (Ack! -Dodges things thrown by readers enraged by the repetition-) -ing, yet this time, no one was sleeping peacefully. (See? It IS different!) The reason for the peacefulness this morning was the lack of I-don't-like-you-or-your-friends/and-I-don't-like-you-or-that-creepy-doctor-guy tension. (And because Lirin was being unaccustomedly quiet.) Now, the lack of said tension is because everyone is too Confused As Hell to keep it up.

And _this_ time, the fanfic author will actually explain part of WHY they are confused before the end of the chapter.

Lirin was muchly confused. She had bounded out of bed that morning prepared for Another Day, Another Search For Meat Buns. She had just finished dressing, and had taken a passing look into the mirror to make sure all her hair was in her ponytail, when she was struck by the realization that something was different.

Now Lirin isn't gifted with fanfic author omniscience. So her thoughts went something like, _? Wha…? Why…? It's not like it looks bad but…? Exactly what just happened here?_

Lirin spent a good ten minutes in front of the mirror trying to figure out what was going on, until her stomach decided to remind her that she hadn't had breakfast yet.

So Lirin, ever mindful of her stomach's needs, but not one to let her curiosity go unsatisfied, decided to kill two birds with one stone.

_I know! I'll go see Yaone! She'll give me food, AND she might know what happened!_

And with that, Lirin tore down the halls in search of Yaone.

Yaone was in front of the mirror. She wasn't as confused as Lirin was, more of a puzzled annoyance. As she wasn't sure anything had changed. But every time she turned to leave she'd see her reflection out of the corner of her eye, and could SWEAR-

-BAM!-

Yaone's thoughts were interrupted as the minor hurricane that was Lirin entered her room.

"Good Morning Yaone! Do you have any food with you?"

Yaone smiled, and turned around with a meat bun from the small emergency stash she had for just such an eventuality. (A quite common eventuality) And stared. Lirin, having yoinked the meat bun out of her limp grasp, munched happily, oblivious to the shocked look Yaone was giving her.

Finally Yaone said, "Um… Lirin-sama…"

Lirin looked up and mumbled around her meat bun, "Whaf?"

"When did your hair turn red?"

Lirin shrugged, "I don't know, sometime before I got up this morning."

"Um… Maybe I phrased that wrong. _Why_ did your hair turn red?"

Again, another shrug, "That's what I was hoping _you_ would know. It's not just my hair either. See?" Lirin, having finished the meat bun, walked closer to Yaone and used her fingers to open her eyes wider. "My eyes are green now. Are you _sure_ you can't tell me what happened?"

"Sorry Lirin-sama. I don't know what could change hair and eye colour like that," replied a now thoroughly confused looking Yaone.

"Awww…" Lirin flopped down cross-legged on the floor, "Lirin-chan is confused." A growling sound was distinctly heard. "And hungry too. One meat bun isn't enough for breakfast!"

"Well, we could try Kougaiji-sama. He might know what's happening, and he might have more food for you with him as well."

"Really?" Lirin bounced off the floor. "What are we waiting for then?" And proceeded to bound out the door, with Yaone following at a slightly slower pace, calling, "Lirin-sama! Please wait for me!"

Dokugakuji was confused. And slightly annoyed. He had spent a good five minutes in front of the mirror, trying to figure out who would find this sort of thing amusing.

_I mean, if I was SO deeply asleep that I wouldn't notice anything, why wouldn't they go all the way, and shave off an eyebrow or two while they were at it? Unless Yaone decided for some reason that this look suits me better…Ah who am I kidding? She's too polite to do something sneaky like this._

Dokugaku briefly considered other suspects, like Lirin, or Ni Jyeni, but it didn't seem to fit Lirin's style at all, for one thing. She was more the type who would scribble on your face with a permanent marker. And… well… it _could_ be Ni, he wouldn't put it past the guy to try and creep someone out with the whole 'I can get you while you're sleeping' bit, but… this didn't seem like it would be Ni's method. Bedecking the room in bunnies while the occupant was sleeping fit Ni more.

Maybe he'd go see Yaone, she might have more ideas on who the culprit could be.

Besides, he might be able to tell from her reaction if his unwanted new look was Alright or Just Plain Awful.

Yaone and Lirin were maybe halfway to Rasetsunyo's room, where Kougaiji-sama was almost certain to be, when Dokugakuji caught up with them.

Yaone's first reaction on seeing him was to blink and think, _Well it looks like Lirin's not the only one having hair troubles._

Lirin's first reaction was to blink and say, "Oi Dokugakuji, why's your hair so short?"

Dokugakuji's first reaction was to say, "It's not _that_ short! Is it? And I don't know why it's so short. Why don't you tell me why you're suddenly a green-eyed redhead."

Lirin's reply was to sulk and grumble, "But I don't know EITHER."

Dokugaku's first reaction on turning to Yaone was to think, _Hey did Yaone's… are they… did they get… nope get your mind out of the gutter pal, you don't wanna know what will happen to you if two people suddenly gain the ability to read minds. Besides, you're probably imagining things. Actually, now that I think about it…did Lirin's also…? Nope you REALLY don't wanna go down that path if you have any value for your own hide._

Doku's second reaction was to mentally thank whoever decreed that thoughts should take up Less Real Time Than They Seem To. (Ain't thinking just Handy Dandy?)That had just saved him from having to explain a Spaced Out look.

Quickly shaking off all remaining thoughts of dubious purity, Doku asked Yaone, "Hey do you have any ideas about who would have the inclination or the ability to cut my hair while I was sleeping?"

"Not really, no." replied Yaone. "Unless it's the same person who turned Lirin-sama's hair red. We were just going to find Kougaiji-sama, and see if he had any ideas about what could have happened."

-GROWL- "I'm _hungry_." whined Lirin.

"And see if he had some meat buns for Lirin-sama."

"Mind if I tag along? I wouldn't mind hearing what Kou thinks about this whole situation."

Yaone smiled. "Of course! Why would we mind?"

"I don't know, but it's polite to ask first anyway, isn't it?"

"Why yes, I supposed it is." Yaone was still smiling.

Dokugaku fell into step beside Yaone, while Lirin scampered ahead yelling, "Yippee! FOOD!"

After a moment, he looked over at her, and said, "Hey, Yaone…"

"Yes?"

Doku looked away, the tips of his ears faintly pink. " Does it… well… does the shorter hair look okay?"

He was having trouble deciding whether or not Yaone's smile had become slightly fixed. "Well… ah… it's different. Oh Lirin-sama be careful, you might break something!"

"What do you mean diff-" but she had already dashed ahead, in the hopes to try and protect the Breakable's in the hallway from Lirin's exuberance.

_What the hell? What the hell does DIFFERENT mean?_

Dokugakuji started running, and yelled after her, "Oi Yaone, what do you mean by 'different'? Yaone! Wait up will you! What's 'different' supposed to mean?"


	5. In which everyone is still Confused As Hell, and the not-so-original-fairy's appearance is put off yet again

In which a fanfic author is finally spurred out of her procrastination by the warm-fuzzy-feeling caused by a nice review, but due to not seeing the review till late in the week, the fanfic author runs out of time and inspiration, and posts the chapter before it was finished to the point she wanted

Also known as

In which everyone is _still_ Confused As Hell, and the not-so-original-fairy's appearance is put off yet again

Now since such a big deal was made in the previous chapter about how generally peaceful it was in Houtou Castle, the fanfic author will refrain from restating it. However, she _will_ divert your attention to the _one_ room in the entire castle where there SHOULD be the I-don't-like-you-yaddayaddayadda-tension, but ISN'T.

Why should this room be full of the aforementioned tension? Because of the people currently in this room of course. Not only do we have Ni Jyeni and Dr. Hwan, we have the illustrious Gyokumen Koushu, and our own dear, bad-guy-but-Not, Kougaiji-sama. Not only is there no tension, but there is also an actual half-way-decent conversation going on. Or it will be when Gyokumen leaves. She can't carry on a decent conversation with anybody besides Ni it seems. She should leave soon though. She's less curious now and more annoyed, so- Aha! There she goes! NOW this chapter can _really_ get started.

Yaone had _finally_ caught up with Lirin-sama. Dokugakuji, however, had somehow taken a wrong turn about three corridors back, so Yaone didn't have to elaborate on what she had meant by 'different' yet.

Lirin was having fun chanting 'food, food, food!' and skipping beside Yaone, while they finally made their way down the hallway that led to Onii-chan's mother's room. HE would feed her!

Lirin's happy thoughts of her onii-chan and food were interrupted when she saw who was exiting Rasetsunyo's room in a huff. It was _never_ a good sign when the Bitch was in a bad mood.

Yaone noticed Gyokumen Koushu's less-than-dignified exit as well. It was kind of hard not to. The woman was absolutely _radiating_ Annoyed-As-Hell waves.

_Oh dear, I hope that she hasn't been giving Kougaiji-sama a hard time again. He's always in such a bad mood after._

About then, Dokugaku _finally_ caught up. That one wrong turn had _really_ set him back, as he had continued down it for at least three more turns before he realized that the route he was on did NOT go to Rasetsunyo's room. He was huffing and puffing nearly as much as the Big Bad Wolf when he finally found Yaone and Lirin. (Keep in mind, those were looooooong corridors, and as Doku _really_ wanted to catch up to Yaone to get her to give him a straight answer, he had been all-out sprinting most of the way.)

Dokugaku got enough of his breath back in time to look up and see Annoyed Gyokumen bearing down on him. Now since he didn't have a Death wish, or at the very least he didn't have a Want To Have An Evil Empress Lady Take Out All Her Anger On Me wish, he straightened himself up and Got The Hell Out Of The Way by flattening himself against the wall.

Of course, he _probably_ could have just moved to the _other_ side of the hall, and saved himself the trouble of trying to imitate a pancake. It would have saved some of his dignity at least. But the oxygen-starved brain is much more easily panic-stricken, and the combination of the two does not make for the clearest of thinking.

Yaone and Lirin had turned around to watch Gyokumen's progress down the hall. After watching her storm around the corner, their eyes turned to Doku, and his Marvelous Pancake Imitation.

Lirin, being blunt and to the point, asked, "Dokugakuji, why are you pretending to be a pancake?"

Dokugaku, finally realizing Gyokumen was gone, and that his pancake imitation was _not_ the best for the image he wanted to project, (due to a bit more oxygen finally making its way to his brain), pushed away from the wall, unsuccessfully trying to stop the fiery blush that made its way across his face. To try and cover his slip, he said gruffly, "I'm NOT imitating _anything_ , much less a pancake. You must be imagining things."

And before Lirin could make a reply to that, Doku turned to Yaone and asked her, "Any idea about why _she's_ in such a bad mood?"

"Not really…" replied Yaone, "she was like that before we got here." She blinked and snapped her fingers. "Unless something changed for _her_ too!"

"But she didn't look any different," Lirin pointed out, "why would she be annoyed if nothing happened to her?"

Yaone took a moment to ponder that. "Well… maybe something happened to somebody else, and she's annoyed because she can't figure out Why or How."

"That makes sense," Doku said slowly, "she's the type who wouldn't like to admit to not being able to figure something out."

Lirin, who was now just the _teensiest_ bit bored with the conversation now that there was a plausible explanation for the Bitch's behaviour, interrupted it before it could go any further by saying, "Well let's go see who _else_ had things change then. If she was in Onii-chan's mother's room, maybe Onii-chan is the one something happened to!"

Yaone blinked. _That's right. It_ would _make sense for it to be Kougaiji-sama who had something change. I wonder what could have happened… Pink hair perhaps?_

Suppressing the giggle that threatened to bubble up from the image of Kougaiji with bubble-gum-pink hair, Yaone agreed, "Yes, let's go see! Then we can know for sure what happened to Gyokumen Koushu-sama, and we might even find out what could have caused the other changes. Besides, we were going there already anyways."

Dokugakuji, eager to find an explanation for _his_ new hairstyle, said impatiently, "Well let's go then! It's only another 30 feet, so there's not much point to standing here dawdling."

And with that, the trio quickly made their way to the end of the hall, and through the giant doors which were the entrance to Rasetsunyo's room.

The fanfic author will now divert your attention again to the Room of No Tension, to show you the conversation that was going on before and after Gyokumen left. Let's see how good the fanfic author is at showing who says what with just pure dialogue!

"… How the hell is she doing that?"

"Well, well, isn't this interesting, one of the basic laws of reality is seemingly being tampered with."

-insert strangled noises here-

"… This shouldn't even be possible. Right? I mean, I _think_ it shouldn't be possible…"

"… How the _hell_ is she doing that?"

"It can't be the seal, if it was that weak she'd be down here by now, not still up on that wall…"

"Well…ah…-ahem- Maybe a modest person decided to give her a present?"

"And it looks like she's changing positions too. See! I blinked and it happened again!"

"… How the HELL is she _doing_ that! -utter silence- … Whatever, this is a waste of time. I'm leaving. Ni, don't waste too much time here, unless this phenomenon is going to interfere with the revival experiments, I don't care about it."

-quietly- "My my, did they get…?"

"I'd be a bit more careful with my words if I were you, otherwise our prince might take you down a peg."

" 'Take him down a peg' would be one of the biggest understatements you could ever make."


	6. In which everyone is still Confused, one of the basic truths of stone carving is revealed, and the not-so-original-fairy FINALLY makes its second appearance

In which a fanfic author tries to actually _finish_ the chapter that was only supposed to be one, Singular, but has somehow split into no less than THREE parts, but is actually pleased with the results

Also known as

In which everyone is _still_ Confused, one of the basic truths of stone carving is revealed, and the not-so-original-fairy FINALLY makes its second appearance

Somewhere, a fanfic author was sleepy. Somewhere, a fanfic author was annoyed. Somewhere, a fanfic author tried to convert said sleepiness and annoyance into brilliant writing of the humorous nature. Let's see how well she did, shall we?

Lirin, being Lirin, was the first through the giant double doors. As the first through the double doors, she was also the first to notice the unlikely assortment of people currently occupying the room. To her credit, she _did_ realize how odd it was that no one in the room seemed to be truly angry. Annoyed slightly, yes. Actually angry, no. But it has been a _long_ time by now since that meat-bun, and she had more pressing matters on her mind than curiosity over why the occupants of the room weren't dueling with words again.

Lirin practically flung herself across the room, yelling gleefully, "Onii-chan! Do _you_ have food for me?"

While Lirin was occupied with begging food out of a bemused-looking Kougaiji, Yaone and Dokugakuji had entered the room as well. Now, maybe because they weren't distracted by hunger pains as large as Lirin's, they noticed immediately what was confusing the hell out of the other three.

Both blinked. Finally Dokugakuji said, "Well. I guess we know what was annoying Gyokumen Koushu so badly now."

More blinking on Yaone's part. "Yes, I guess we do." Finally tearing her eyes from the unusual sight, she focused instead on the much more normal and reassuring display of Kougaiji somehow managing to procure meat-buns for Lirin in the same way Sanzo produced his fan. Even if the normalness of the sight _was_ jarred slightly by Lirin's sudden redhead status.

Strangely though, Kougaiji-sama didn't seem too surprised at the colour change. Yaone's eyes flicked briefly upward, before she forced them back down again. Then again, maybe it wasn't that strange.

Dr. Hwan finally moved her gaze from where it had been firmly locked, and turned it on the new arrivals.

_Huh. So the effects of whatever has been happening aren't just confined to this one room. The princess's hair is red, the bodyguard's hair is much shorter, and the apothecary's…chemist's?…alchemist's?… anyways, her hair occasionally flickers purple, like it's trying to change, but can't quite make it._

Ni Jyeni deigned to look over at the new arrivals as well, with the ever-present Bunny-san clasped carelessly under one arm. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the rest of the prince's entourage!" He waved them over negligently, "Why don't you came on over and add your mind-power to our little brainstorming session here?"

"Yes, do come over!" said Bunny-san, in a higher, squeaky version of Ni's voice. It's arm waved over to them as well, due to the skillful manipulation of Ni's fingers.

(not-so-original-fairy: "Wait, how the f- is making a bunny's arm move with your fingers skillful?

iceblitz: "Because he's only using one hand. The other one is busy waving negligently. And I thought you didn't like this fic, so why are you here so early?"

not-so-original-fairy: "… Crap."

iceblitz: "Yeah, now be quiet until your part comes.")

The Kougaiji-tachi, along with Dr. Hwan, pretended they had not heard the voices conversing overhead, as they wanted to come away with as much of their sanity as they could from this messed-up morning. Ni, who had sold the rest of his sanity in exchange for Bunny-san a long, long time ago, didn't ignore the voices. But, as everyone else was busy pretending the voices didn't exist, he didn't exactly have anyone with whom to discuss the oddness.

Oh wait! Bunny-san was an Anyone!

And so Ni started a long and very serious discussion with Bunny-san about the mysterious voices.

Dokugaku and Yaone were more than a little bit wary at the display of Not-Sanity that would have gotten any lower-ranking person a short trip to the Looney Bin, but came forward anyway. Amazing what a person will do to satisfy their curiosity, ain't it? Of course, they chose spots as far away from Ni as possible without looking rude or making conversation impractical. There are limits after all.

Dr. Hwan looked over at Ni, who was deep in conversation with Bunny-san. "Well it seems like he's not going to be very helpful for awhile. Any objections to me heading this brainstorming session?" Headshakes all around, except from Lirin, who was too busy eating (finally!) to bother. "Ok then, let's not focus on the 'why' what's happening for now. Instead we'll focus on 'How." As in 'How the hell is this possible?'"

Silence. Crickets took their cue to start chirping in the background. Then the violin music started. Followed by many angry cricket cries of "Get out of here Grasshopper!" and "Geez, way to go and wreak the classic way of showing complete silence Grasshopper!" and also, "Oh for the love of…! Go back to the Centipede! And the Spider. And that annoying kid."

"Oh look Bunny-san, another conversationalist! Let's go rescue him, shall we?"

The crickets, seeing the approach of the Almighty Bunny-san, fled in terror. The Grasshopper, having no idea of just how loony Ni and his Bunny-san are, did not. And since he didn't notice the remarkable similarities of Ni's and Bunny-san's voice, he ended up having a remarkably intellectual conversation with them.

Dr. Hwan put her hand to her mouth and -ahemed-, bringing the thoroughly confused and weirded-out Kougaiji-tachi's eyes back to her. "Ok, it's pretty obvious we don't know how this is possible. Maybe logically _dis_ -proving theories will give us more ideas. Anyone want to start?"

"Well it's not a youkai-spell. There's not nearly enough youki in the air. All there is is some background residue. And it doesn't feel like holy power either." Kougaiji mused.

Yaone put in her two cents, "And it's very unlikely to be caused by any herbs or powders. For one thing, I don't know of any that could do anything like this. For another, if there was an herb that could do his, the odds aren't that great of it being completely odourless, and I don't smell anything."

Lirin sniffed the air. (Just a note: she's noticed what's confusing everyone by now) "Neither do I. Because I'm OUT OF MEAT BUNS! Oh no! The horror! Whatever will I- mmff!" That last bit was the sound of Kougaiji shutting his darling sister's yap with yet another meat bun.

Dokugaku, tuning out both Lirin and the three-way conversation that should not be possible, ventured, "It can't be stone carving. Aside from the obvious factor of speed, and the noticeable lack of a carver present, there's one basic rule of stone-carving that's being utterly smashed here."

"And what would that be?" asked Dr. Hwan.

"That you can't carve stone out of thin air. To make that thing fit, it would have to be carved out of her. And with the number of times she's switched, she'd be 100 times smaller by now. Plus there's the whole question of how it'd be possible to carve her in the first place."

"And I know of nothing in my field of science that would produce these results." finished Dr. Hwan.

"Oh? You haven't figured it out yet? My, we are slow this morning."

Dr. Hwan's eyebrow twitched. "I don't see you coming up with any bright ideas Ni!" she growled.

"Oh, but I figured it out awhile ago." Ni happily continued his conversation with Grasshopper and Bunny-san.

A collective, "You WHAT?" echoed through the room.

Ni blinked and again looked up from his conversation, "Well yes, it's a bit obvious isn't it? The first clue was those voices that everyone ignored. But I've known for sure ever since Grasshopper-san showed up."

An annoyed Dr. Hwan ground out from between clenched teeth, "And exactly how is… Grasshopper-san… A part of your… masterful revelation?"

Ni smiled, "Think about it. What's the only way a person like Grasshopper-san could find his way here of all places?"

He enjoyed watching the dawning realization on their faces. Especially that hint of fear. In fact, he enjoyed it so much, he switched his smile to his patented-Ni-smile, the one that made mothers hide their children. "Oh yes," he said, relishing the sight of their faces falling, "We seem to have ourselves a fanfic author on the loose."

And that's the not-so-original-fairy's cue. Bye now! -Opens portal, not-so-original-fairy is pulled towards the opening.-

not-so-original-fairy: "NOOOOO!" -latches on to edge of opening-

iceblitz: "Oh for the love of…!" -starts prying fairy off the edge- "Jeez, it won't be nearly as bad with Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama."

not-so-original-fairy: "Yes it will! Kougaiji and Dokugakuji will be pissed! And Ni Jyeni's there! NI JYENI!"

iceblitz: -finishes prying off fairy- "Just go already." -throws fairy through portal-

not-so-original-fairy: "NOOOOOOooooooo…"

iceblitz: "… Baby."

For Ni Jyeni, the look when he confirmed their fears on the Kougaiji-tachi's and Dr. Hwan's face was priceless. And his patented-Ni-smile grew even wider as he spotted something trying to hide behind one of the seal-scrolls hung in the room. "Oh look, the fanfic author's messenger is here!"

The Kougaiji-tachi plus Dr. Hwan turned as one, and looked up to see the not-so-original-fairy.

With its cover blown, it nervously said, "Ah… hehe… um… hi?"

There were a wide range of reactions to this.

Lirin's was to go, "KAWAII! You look just like a fairy out of Zelda!" and try and catch the fairy so she could glomp it.

Dokugaku's was to grow steadily more annoyed now that he had someone to blame his short hair on.

Dr. Hwan's and Yaone's reaction was to think, So… pretty. It's a FAIRY… Wait. It's a FANFIC author's emissary. Don't be sucked in by the pret…ty…ness… so PRETTY.

Kougaiji didn't know what to think. He was still trying to wrap his mind around the concept that this glowing-ball-of-light-with-wings was a messenger of one of the most feared creatures in existence.

Ni Jyeni however, replied, "Hello!" with Bunny-san echoing him. "May we know Fairy-san's name so we can properly address Fairy-san?"

Running through the not-so-original-fairy's mind was a running litany of, Don't show fear, don't show fear, they'll eat you alive if you show fear, especially Ni if you show fear. While thinking this, and staying OUT of Lirin's reach, it answered, "Well I don't seem to get a real name, but 'not-so-original-fairy' seems to be what I'm referred to as the most, so you might as well call me that."

"Of course, not-so-original-fairy-san." Ni made a little bow, making Bunny-san bow with him. "May we inquire as to the purpose of your visit?"

The not-so-original-fairy hovered uncertainly, checking out the status of the other occupants of the room. The results were not encouraging. Of the two other people who looked capable of a conversation right then, one wanted to glomp it, and the other looked like he wanted to tear its wings off slowly and painfully.

_Ah CRAP. It just HAD to be Ni, didn't it? DIDN'T IT, you sadistic fanfic author! I know you can hear me! Don't pretend you don't! One day I will get my revenge. As soon as I figure out how to get out of Fanfiction Limbo._

So, floating slightly closer to Ni, for politeness' sake, the not-so-original-fairy answered, "One reason I'm here is to remind the readers I exist. The other is to make a delivery."

The not-so-original-fairy did the thing where it somehow made six little black books appear out of thin air. "AUs But Not. Your Guide to Universes Alternate. (The not quite Alternate Universes)" it recited from memory, trying to speed things up as much as it could so it could leave!

"Go on, everybody pick up the one with your name on it." it said hurriedly. Everyone moved to the little pile of books and retrieved the one with their name. The simple act of moving seemed to shake the rest of the Kougaiji-tachi and Dr. Hwan out of their daze.

Yes, Dr. Hwan was now normal enough to ask the obvious question, "And just what, exactly, are these?"

"Personalized guides to What The Hell Is Going On. In them are tips to get through this fic with your sanity intact, and the way to fix any… problems… that may occur as a direct result of what's been going on." it said that last bit while peeking furtively at Dokugaku.

_Ah shit, he's still pissed. He seems to care more about his hair than Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama did about the whole Opaque Incident. Or maybe he's just the type to hold a grudge?_

"Question." Kougaiji said with his hand raised like a kid in a classroom.

"Yes Kougaiji-sama?" asked the not-so-original-fairy.

Kougaiji moved the arm that was raised until it pointed at what everyone had been looking at before, "Will it show how to make her go back to normal too? Or at least stop changing so much?"

The fairy pondered. "I'm actually not sure. It might, it might not. I'm leaning more towards Not right now."

"And why not?" Kougaiji glared at the not-so-original-fairy.

_Ah crap, I knew he'd get pissed off too._

"The cheesiest explanation is also the simplest, 'There's a glitch in the Matrix.'"

Seeing Kougaiji's glare grow even more, it hastened to add, "Translation! The fanfic author screwed up royally in regards to What Goes When, and this is the glitchy result! Anything you see constantly changing is probably the result of the fanfic author's forgetfulness."

Kougaiji's glare lessened again, while Dr. Hwan looked like she had just found a puzzle piece she's been looking for. A very minor puzzle piece, that didn't matter so much in the Grand Puzzle Scheme, but a piece all the same.

"Any more questions?"

"Yes just one," said Ni, "Why doesn't Gyokumen Koushu-sama get a book?"

"Two reasons. One, the fanfic author doesn't like her. Two, the fanfic author doesn't want to give her anything that she would try and twist into helping her rule the world. That answer your question?"

"Yes, very well thank you." he said with another Ni-smile.

"OK then, is that it? It is? Ok, I'll just take Grasshopper and leave then." And the not-so-original-fairy somehow managed to pluck Grasshopper off of where he'd been listening to the goings-on on Ni's shoulder, despite the lack of appendages capable of plucking.

Grasshopper was more than a little annoyed at his undignified position, and of his being deprived of an intellectual conversationalist.

"Cool it." muttered the fairy, "Believe me, you really don't want to stay with that guy. Not, not Bunny-san either. Why? If I tell you now, you might have a nervous breakdown. It's better you don't know. Really. Back to your own storyline before you're traumatized for life."

This time, loud enough for everyone to hear, the not-so-original-fairy said, "OK bye now!" and disappeared along with Grasshopper.

"Bye-bye." Ni and Bunny-san waved at the spot where the fairy and grasshopper had been.

And with that, everyone drifted off to his or her separate devices. Which would almost certainly involve looking at the little black books in the near future. Except possibly Lirin.

Kougaiji was the only one who stayed in the room. He sat down in a corner, got himself comfortable, and started looking for something to make his mother go back to the way she had been the day before, glitch or no glitch.

Of course, if he had known who was just outside the door, he might not have been so eager.

Sneaky Ni, had not left the vicinity of the room. He was leaning nonchalantly against the wall, just around the corner of the doorway, where he could have a decent view of the inside by moving his head ever so slightly. He had 'AUs But Not' out as well. He was going to help put Rasetsunyo back to normal too. After all, if they had to spy on Kougaiji, who spent much of his free time in his mother's room, then the least that could be done to relieve to the poor spy's boredom was a little bit of scenery, right? And besides, it's not like Rasetsunyo needed a kimono to keep warm, right?


	7. In which What The Hell Is Going On is getting closer and closer to being explained to the Sanzo-ikkou, the not-so-original-fairy makes its last (maybe) appearance, and Jeep shows up to remind everyone that hey! he's in this story too!

In which a fanfic author is distracted by Fluff, Pirates, Movies, Bleach, and School, yet still somehow manages to get this chapter done and posted! Oh yes, and _finally_ gets back to the Sanzo-ikkou and Gojyo's predicament

Also known as

In which What The Hell Is Going On is getting closer and closer to being explained to the Sanzo-ikkou, the not-so-original-fairy makes its last (maybe) appearance, and Jeep shows up to remind everyone that hey! he's in this story too!

The Saiyuki Boys had gone back to their room, as a small bathroom is not exactly the best place to hold a lengthy discussion of any kind. Besides, they wanted to get away from the 'scene of the crime' as it were. This morning was confusing and annoying enough _without_ having to deal with angry innkeepers complaining about broken doors.

So now each of the respective members of the Sanzo-ikkou were sitting on the beds, in a rough circle around the room. And, just because the Fanfiction World doesn't have _nearly_ enough of this, Sanzo was in his leathers, and Gojyo was shirtless. Why? Because for some reason Sanzo wears his leathers to bed, and he'd just woken up. And Gojyo was shirtless because… well… urm… I'm not sure exactly. I have no supporting evidence that Gojyo sleeps Shirtless. Anyways, the various members of the Sanzo-ikkou were all staring intently at poor, self-conscious Gojyo. Or, more specifically, at poor, self-conscious Gojyo's bright purple hair.

Well, Sanzo wasn't exactly staring, _per se_. He was sneaking peeks at Gojyo's hair while under the cover of lighting up. To stare would mean he was interested, and there was no way in _hell_ he was interested in the kisoa-kappa. Pissed of though… a case could _definitely_ be made for that.

After Sanzo had taken a few good puffs on his cigarette, just to show he couldn't care less, he asked, "So. How the hell did you manage to turn your hair purple, kappa?"

The miserable look Gojyo had been sporting on his face turned to one of slightly sullen anger. "It's not like I did it on _purpose_ you know. Hell, I didn't even do it by _accident!_ It was normal as ever when I went to sleep last night, and when I looked in the mirror this morning it was like THIS!" Gojyo grabbed double handfuls of the offending strands for emphasis. "Despite what you may think, _Sanzo-sama_ , I am _not_ so stupid as to play with things that mess around with my hair!"

"Ch. Whatever."

"Now, now," said Hakkai, his normal smile firmly fixed to his face (if not as firmly as normal). "Sanzo, you know better than to needlessly provoke confrontations."

(Like he really cares?)

"Ch. I just asked the kisoa-kappa a simple question."

"And Gojyo, responding to provocation is only going to make it worse."

"My hair is freakin' PURPLE dammit! How could you think _I'd_ do this!"

_Ok, that's it, they're ignoring me, time to remind everyone that I'm here too._

"Because the ero-kappa is the one most likely to be experimenting with hair products?" put in an innocence-radiating-Goku, as if everything he said was the simple truth.

Which it was of course. Putting aside the question of exactly whether Goku is capable of deceit, Gojyo's nickname isn't ero-kappa (or "Ladies' Man" as he calls himself) for nothing.

Gojyo launched himself across the room at Goku. "Shut up! You asked for it bakasaru!"

"OwowowowOW! Pulling hair's no fair! Red cockroach kappa! No wait, _purple_ cockroach kappa now!"

Instead of watching the scuffle across the room, Hakkai instead watched the steadily growing vein-pop on Sanzo's head. He ticked the seconds off in his head,

_Let's see now, three…two…one…_

"URUSAI!" -BANG! BANG!-

_Ah yes, good old predictable Sanzo._

The two across the room had frozen at the sound of the gunshots, Gojyo with one of his hand still pulling at Goku's hair. In an unspoken agreement, they both scooted to opposite ends of the bed (Gojyo being too lazy and scared of retribution to cross the room back to _his_ bed).

The silence lasted all of three seconds until Goku got a glimpse of himself in the mirror (there are a lit of conveniently placed mirrors throughout this fic, aren't there?) He frowned and ruffled his hair with his hands.

When that didn't make an appreciable difference, he said, "Oi Gojyo, what'd you do to my hair? It's not stickin' out like normal."

As Gojyo had realized he was currently smoke-less, he had used the three-second interval to get out a cig and light up in record time, (defying all laws of physics, but hey! if Sanzo can pull a fan out of nowhere, why can't Gojyo find a cig and light up in less than three seconds?) he mumbled around the cigarette, "You're imagining things baka. Your hair's not gonna change shape just 'cause I yanked it once."

"I'm telling you, it's _different_." Goku insisted.

"Actually, Goku may have a point." interjected Hakkai. "Maybe not about the part where _you_ changed it, but it _does_ look different."

Sanzo was having a much harder time pretending he wasn't interested he wasn't interested now. "The bakasaru and Hakkai are right, it looks different."

"Really? You mean I'm NOT the only one with hair troubles?"

"Actually," mused Hakkai, "it seems like it did at the start of our journey, remember? Your hair is similar to back then as well, Gojyo. Well, except for the colour."

"WHAT?" came the two cries of angered disbelief.

"Ch. Don't whine."

"Ano… Sanzo… you might want to look in the conveniently place mirror over there before you start criticizing them."

(…Wow Hakkai's smart. He's noticed the oddness of the many conveniently placed mirrors. Well I guess there are only so many you can have in a room before it gets suspicious, yes?)

A slightly confused and worried Sanzo (not that you could tell from his face, but he was, I swear!) looked into the oh-so-convenient mirror. And nearly dropped his cig. He looked away.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

An interested Gojyo took a good long look at Sanzo before saying, "Wow,you must be blind then. Even _I_ can see from here. And Hakkai may be on to something here, there's like a running theme of 'beginning-journey' hair. But in a… weird…way. Hey, your eyes are a different shape too!"

'Urusai!" to save on ammunition, Sanzo forsook the gun in favour of hurling pillows at Gojyo's head.

"Bastard! What'd you do that for!"

Hakkai's smile was twitching. Half of him wanted to burst out laughing, the other half… actually the other half wanted to burst out laughing as well.

_Well at least I seem to have come out of this lightly. No major colour changes, no major hair changes, no major eye changes. It only seems to have changed very slightly. Just enough that I can tell it's changed, but not enough to really pinpoint anything._

iceblitz: "Ok, not-so-original-fairy, time for your last appearance."

not-so-original-fairy: "I dun wanna."

iceblitz: "Oh come on, didn't you hear me say _last?"_

not-so-original-fairy: "Sanzo is pissed. Sanzo has a fan. Sanzo has bullets. Sanzo has a gun to put said bullets in. I dun wanna."

iceblitz: "To quote that same Sanzo, 'live well, and the bullets will miss.' Bye now!" -magic portal opens, fairy is sucked through opening-

not-so-original-fairy: "Nooooo! This better really be the last, or I am so _suing_ your ass for damages!"

iceblitz: "Yeah, yeah, whatever, you still have to get out of Fanfiction Limbo first. Now BYE!"

Hakkai's musings were interrupted by the appearance of the very reluctant not-so-original-fairy. Seeing that Hakkai was the only one who wasn't yelling or gesturing violently, and from its own knowledge of the fact that Hakkai was generally known to be the politest of the four, it dive-bombed out of the air and hid behind him.

Unfortunately for the not-so-original-fairy, said dive-bombing just attracted the attention of the rest of the Sanzo-ikkou. Which resulted in much silent cursing on the not-so-original-fairy's part when the three angry and bewildered pairs of eyes started glaring at it.

_DAMNIT! Maybe I can play up the pretty factor, so at least Goku stops glaring at me? Wait, can I control how sparkly I am? Cool! Ok stop glaring, please stop glaring…_

Unfortunately (again) for the not-so-original-fairy, the glares it was receiving did NOT diminish by even one iota.

_…Evil fanfic author._

Now, since Hakkai is politest of the four, and the only one who wasn't currently in a crummy mood, he took it upon himself to ask the terrified fairy, "Hello there, what's your name?"

"Um… hi… I'm the not-so-original-fairy."

"Never mind _that,_ " growled Sanzo, "we _should_ be asking why the hell there's a glowing-ball-of-light-with-wings here, not its _name_."

"What Sanzo _meant_ to say was 'May we inquire as to the purpose of your visit?' Oh, and we haven't introduced ourselves yet."

_…Wow, Hakkai's polite._

"Thanks, but that won't be necessary. I already know all your names."

The not-so-original-fairy had been gradually drifting from out behind Hakkai, but at the sound of Sanzo cocking back the hammer of his gun, the fairy squeaked and ducked back behind Hakkai to safety.

"How the hell do you know our names?" asked Sanzo in a soft, deadly voice.

_CRAP!_

"Um… uh… you mean besides the fact that you four are probably the most famous people of your time? And quite distinctive too."

Maybe making Sanzo looking foolish, however slightly, was _not_ the best way to go about placating him.

Sanzo now had a collection of vein-pops to go with his glare. "Oi, Goku."

"Yeah Sanzo?"

"Want to find out what fairies taste like?"

"It wouldn't be more than a mouthful though!"

"Ch. Fine then. Where's Jeep? He's about the right size for a fairy to be a nice snack."

Hakuryu poked his head out from under one of the beds. "Kyu!"

The fairy cringed, _Crap, I'd forgotten about him._ "Eep."

"Oh there's Hakuryu. I'd been wondering where he went." Hakkai glanced over at the now thoroughly freaked out fairy. "Don't worry, Hakuryu wouldn't eat a guest unless he _really_ disliked them."

The not-so-original-fairy hovered nervously. "…Ok…Anyways, I was going to add _more_ to the reason why I know all your names, until the death-threats started. I'm a fanfiction author's messenger."

All four of the Saiyuki Boys + Hakuryu blanched. (Yes, the white dragon blanched.)

Gojyo stated two words which basically summarized everyone's feelings.

"Oh. Crap."


	8. In which the not-so-original-fairy finally explains What The Hell Is Going On

In which a fanfic author puts off working on the stuff she's _supposed_ to be working on in Writing Class and works on Chapter 8 instead, as she has no ideas for a news story, and frankly, _hates_ writing about facts unless she's allowed to give her opinion on them

Also known as

In which the not-so-original-fairy _finally_ explains What The Hell Is Going On, and the fanfic author breathes a LONG sigh of relief at finally finishing the opening that was originally only supposed to be a total of FOUR chapters, yet has become twice that

When last we were with the Sanzo-ikkou, Gojyo had uttered two words which summarized everyone's feelings at the revelation that the not-so-original-fairy was a fanfiction author's messenger. Those two words will now be repeated for a sense of continuation and dramatic emphasis, and then we shall finally get on with the plot.

"Oh. Crap."

 _Yeah. I know. I'm the one_ working f _or the fanfic author, believe me, I_ know.

The not-so-original-fairy, sensing that everyone was too shocked by the revelation to do anything violent, (though Hakkai _had_ had an inkling due to the suspiciously convenient mirrors) darted out from behind Hakkai to a point less defensible, but easier to speak from.

Namely… Actually, the fanfic author is not sure what would be less defensible but easier to talk from.

_The light bulb dumbass._

(Do you _really_ want to have a Peter Pan flashback?)

_I don't care!_

(Ok, let me give you a better reason. What makes you think that Sanzo will hesitate for even one second to get at you?)

_…Point conceded…Is Jeep annoyed?_

(No. Okay, back to our regularly scheduled oddness.)

Namely, behind Hakuryu, who had come out from under the bed and perched himself on one of the bedside lamps.

"Okay then, anyone wanna know _why_ I'm here? Besides the obvious fact that you are now in a fanfic?"

Sanzo glared. _Damn ball of light. Hiding behind our transportation is a damn dirty trick._

Gojyo and Goku were in a state of dumbfounded horror. The not-so-original-fairy resisted the urge to wave its non-existent hand in front of their shocked faces.

Hakkai was _definitely_ having trouble keeping his customary smile in place. It kept twitching. Often. "Well, since no one else seems to want to, I'll ask. Why _are_ you here?"

The fairy bobbed up and down from its position behind Hakuryu. "Thank you for asking! I am here to FINALLY explain, in full, exactly What The Hell Is Going On."

Sanzo continued glaring. "OK, I'll bite. What do you mean _finally_? It's only been around half an hour since Gojyo's hair made its oh so _very_ fascinating color change."

"I had to go see Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama and the Kougaiji-tachi first. They all hate me now. Except possibly Jiroushin and the creepy doctor… Plus I'm on the fanfic author's time."

Gojyo blinked, and rejoined the conversation. "You mean it's NOT just us being messed with?"

"Yep."

"YES! If I must suffer, so must they all suffer with me! Thou shalt suffer as I do suffer!" Gojyo continued on in this vein for quite a few minutes, causing Hakkai's smile to start twitching slightly and think, _My, he_ really _doesn't like his hair to be messed with…I think he may have finally cracked._

When Gojyo showed no signs of stopping anytime in the near future, the not-so-original-fairy said, "Um… Ok then… you want to take an hour's break or something? You know, to eat, and get any ranting and 'suffer with me' speeches and stuff out of the way so they don't interrupt?"

The formerly silent Goku leaped off the bed yelling, "FOOD! Ne Sanzo can we can we _please?_ "

"URUSAI!" -THWACK!- went the Almighty Paper Fan.

"OW! What the hell was that for!"

"I _said,_ Urusai!" -THWACK! THWACK!-

_… Methinks Sanzo is not taking the news I dropped on him very well…_

(D'ya think?)

_… Stop self-inserting and let me do my damn job._

(Fine. I will stop with the author's comments. Happy now?)

_Yes actually._

(…)

Only a few seconds into the fan-smacking later, Hakkai said, "…Well, since no else seems to be in a position to _disagree_ , I think we'll take up that offer of an hour's break, Not-so-original-fairy-san."

Gojyo had taken his "Suffer With Me" speech to its next logical step; the "World Domination" and "Rebuild the World in Mine Own Image!" speech, and Sanzo was now waving his fan and chasing Goku around the small room, Goku yelling at the top of his lungs.

Hakkai blinked at the chaos in the room. "Heaven knows we _need_ a break."

An hour later, the _much_ more sane, and normal, and now Fed Sanzo-ikkou returned to the room to find the not-so-original-fairy using one of the _few_ benefits that came from being a not-so-original-creation.

The not-so-original-fairy was chatting with Hakuryu. It seemed they were making a deal of some sort, as just as the Saiyuki Boys were coming in, the two shook wings.

_It's fun when you can just ignore the language barrier._

The Sanzo-ikkou decided that they'd rather _not_  know what evil scheme Hakuryu and the not-so-original-fairy were planning.

"Ok then, you might want to get comfortable for this, I don't know how long it will take."

Sanzo and Gojyo both glared at the not-so-original-dairy as they got themselves settled on their respective beds. Hakkai and Goku were much less hostile, Hakkai as he had barely been messed with, Goku as he was now _finally_ fed.

The for-once-happy-fairy, from its safe position behind Hakuryu, began speaking, "Okay, FIRST of all, you'll need these." and did the trick where it makes the little black books come out of the air. Not pushing its luck however, it made them fall into each man's lap. (Yes, Goku is considered a Man for the purposes of this sentence. He's 18, ain't he?)

Oh god, this better be the last frikken time I recite this stupid title.  
"AUs But Not. Your guide to Universes Alternate (the Not Quite Alternate Universes)"

Sanzo was showing definite signs of trying to restrain himself from doing anything that might inadvertently harm their only mode of transportation. Gojyo's thought processes seemed to be running along the same lines.

The not-so-original-fairy, now an old pro at sensing the level of "Want to Maim, Wound, and Rend" tension in the air, quickly continued, "These are your personalized Handy-Dandy guides to What The Hell Is Going On. They've got all _sorts_ of useful tips and warnings."

"Warnings?" asked Gojyo.

"Yeah, warnings. Oh, that reminds me Gojyo-san, you might want to avoid water that's more than knee-deep."

"Huh? Why?"

"Just trust me, avoid any water that's deeper than a puddle if you can help it."

"Hey, little-glowing-ball-light! What _is_ going on?" asked Goku.

"…You're probably not going to like this."

"We already don't like this!" growled Sanzo.

"Ok then. The fanfic author decided it would be amusing if you guys could see what you looked like Animated. To that effect, using her omnipotent fanfic pencil, she has melded the worlds of Manga and Anime, using Fanfiction as the glue to hold it all together."

It should now be noted that the following responses occurred simultaneously.

"…WHAT?" shouted Gojyo.

"…That's it, she's dead, tell me how to find her and maybe I'll let you live." came the fairly predictable threat of death from Sanzo.

"…You mean we look like _this_ animated!" was Goku's contribution.

"…Oh my." was all Hakkai said.

The fairy managed to convey a sense of blinking, bombarded by the sudden outburst of noise.

"Um…ok…" the not-so-original-fairy took a breath and started talking in a rush. "No, your ears did not deceive you Gojyo-san, so I'm not going to repeat all of that again. Sanzo-sama, I would _gladly_ tell you where you could find her, but it's a moot point as you wouldn't be able to get out of Fanfiction Limbo. Yes Goku-san, this _is_ what you guys look like animated. And I don't think Hakkai-san was looking for an answer so I'll just stop there." The not-so-original-fairy nearly fell out of the air inhaling.

Gojyo and Sanzo were still glaring. Goku now looked an odd mix of annoyed, confused, and interested, while Hakkai had managed to firmly fic his smile back in place, hiding what he _really_ thought.

After the fairy had managed to get oxygen running to all parts of its not-very-tangible body, it began speaking again, "Ok, let's see… what else do you need to know… Um… Ah, this is gonna take some thought organizing… Ok, first up, timeline."

"Timeline? Asked Sanzo dangerously. "Why do we need a timeline?"

"It's two timelines actually. There are distinct differences between the manga and the anime, so both are listed in the little black books you now have. The fanfic author has made the changeover right before the Homura arc, as it's the first place where something major happens in the anime that couldn't have happened in the manga."

"…You mean we have to deal with even _more_ shit?" protested Gojyo. "What the fuck is up with that?"

"To be fair, it wasn't the fanfic author who created the Homura arc. She's just the one who plunked you there. And you wouldn't believe how difficult that was, she had to switch the Kougaiji-tachi over a few days timeline-wise early to keep certain… incidents, from occurring, yet she had she do it without letting anything noticeable changing until this morning, _greatly_ flouting the laws of probability. Now things are all glitchy. Besides, she _could_ have moved you guys all the way back to the beginning. You would've had to go through everything you did before, and _then_ some."

"…I had the impression you didn't like the fanfic author." noted Hakkai.

"She made me say it. I think it's her revenge on me for getting her to stop self-inserting."

"Ah."

"Anyways, back to timelines, due to certain inconsistencies that will be sure to pop up every now and then caused by the messing with said timeline that will occur, you may be prone to sudden fits of memory loss."

"What! Why?" asked a slightly panicked Goku.

"Don't worry, it's only temporary. It's just so that if something happens twice you'll still react the way you're supposed to."

"Ano…I thought you said that we were right before the arc that's completely _different_ from the manga, so why would something happen twice?" asked Hakkai.

"… The fanfic author has long range plans…"

"Ah…um… That will be… _interesting._ "

…Methinks Hakkai knows about that old Chinese (or was it Japanese? No, Chinese. I think) curse; 'May you live in interesting times.'

"I'm afraid it's going to get even more interesting. Due to the fact that the binding of Manga and Anime was done with Fanfiction, you may succumb to fits of Out-Of-Character-ness, which could be anything from slight differences in the grammar of your normal speech, to getting an irresistible urge to dance in the common room of an inn wearing nothing but a pink tutu."

Everyone, even Hakkai of the Won't-Go-Away Smile, and Sanzo of the I-Don't-Give-A-Damn Scowl, blanched.

"Don't worry, the tutu thing is unlikely to happen."

Relieved sighs all around. Except from Sanzo. He had _that_ much self-control left at least.

"Ok, what else… Ok, you may end up doing things that aren't in the anime or manga, so watch out for that… um… mleh. I think that's it. Be sure to read the little black book, the fanfic author's not _completely_ evil, the tips are useful, and every now and then she may give you a warning for what she has planned."

"Why would she warn us?" asked Gojyo.

"If she feels like she's picked on someone a lot, she gets guilty. Any more questions?"

Sanzo darted his gaze around the room, trying to see if someone else was going to ask a question. It very quickly became apparent that no one was going to ask his question for him, just so he could still appear Uninterested. Scowling at the realization he'd have to ask the painfully ordinary question, Sanzo asked, "What's with the title?"

"The title?"

Sanzo's scowl deepened a little more. "The title of _this_ thing." He gestured while holding the little black book.

"What about the title?"

Sanzo acquired some vein-pops at this delaying of the satisfaction of his curiosity. "Universes Alternate? What the hell are those? How the hell is it _relevant_ to what's going on!"

"Oh _that._ Ok, first pretend you've never heard of the first Journey to the West. Next, assume that the manga, or this world prior fanfic meddling is the original world."

"Yeah, so?"

"Now an alternate universe of this world would be the four of or the other guys going about your lives in a completely different way. Say you're all in high school, or in a law firm or some such thing."

"…There better be a point to this."

"There is. Ok, if you look at it one way, anime, when based on a manga, is _also_ an alternate universe. Same with fanfiction. Even though you're still Going West, and everyone is still in their respective roles of Monk, Mediator, Monkey, and Kappa, you _still_ end up doing things not in the original timeline, and acting anywhere from completely normal to completely different."

Sanzo fired a shot at the ceiling. "Point. Now."

"Ok, the point is, the anime and fanfiction…well, except poetry maybe, are technically alternate universes. But no one seems to view them as such. So the fanfic author has decided to call them Universes Alternate (the NOT quite Alternate Universes) for the purpose of this fic. Happy now?"

Sanzo was no longer scowling, but wasn't quite back to his impassive I-don't-give-a-damn-just-stay-the-hell-away-from-me look. "Ch. I'll be _happy_ when the whole catastrophe of a fic is _over_."

"I agree with the monk there," drawled Gojyo, "for once."

"It won't be _all_ bad." _God, why am I defending her? Evil fanfic author._ "Anyways, for more complete info, READ THE BOOKS. You'll be able to fic your appearance temporarily at least, and it updates regularly to answer any questions. So this may be the very last time you'll see me!"

"Ano… it's also the very _first_ time we've seen you." Hakkai pointed out.

"… It's been a _really_ long day for me. Be _glad_ this is the last time. Any more questions?"

Headshakes all around, with the exception of Sanzo, who went "Ch" instead.

"OK, I'm GOING now, good luck with surviving the fanfic author's insanity, see ya Jeep!"

And with that, the not-so-original-fairy disappeared for the last time (if it's lucky).

This left the room filled with a slightly hostile, slightly uncomfortable, and _very_ tense atmosphere.

After the silence had stretched on for a suitable length of time, Goku thought, _OK time to get rid of all this uncomfortable tension with something refreshingly normal._

"Ne Sanzo, I'm hung-"

"URUSAI!" And down came the almighty fan of Doom on Goku's head.

"OW! Ne Sanzo, what'd you do that for? I'm really hung-!"

-THWACK!-

"Sensei, the monk's attacking the monkey again."

-BANG!-

"Bastard! That nearly hit me!"

"Quit whining."

"Why you shitty monk, one of these days-"

-BANG! BANG!-

Hakkai's smile became real as he watched the refreshingly normal chaos.

 _Aha!_ thought Goku, as he and Gojyo were chased around the room, _Objective complete!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....Aaaaand yeah, that's all there is, I haven't touched this thing in years. Congrats for making it this far, and thanks for reading.


End file.
